This post was from 2016, and is accurate to how I felt at the time.

——————It took my body about a year to regulate after seven/eight years of stress to it. It’s not so much the diet since I know how to diet, but the actual stress from life and how crazy it can be sometimes plus diet plus gym plus plus plus. 

HOWEVER, it took my mind almost two full years to recover from the damage that social media and pressure others had put on me/ mostly what I put on myself, for me to just love myself and fitness the way I want to. 

This is the exact weight I’m at again. I was floating a bit higher than this for a while but I’ve hit my happy weight again.

I took these pics at my healthy weight to always remember that show weight isn’t my happy weight. 

Fitness was my first love. 

I’ve wanted to be many things, I change my mind often, but not with fitness. 

This is my dream job. Help others, set goals, life coaching, personal training. FITNESS! Not what fitness has become, what I myself started fitness for. 

I started this whole working out thing to become healthy. I was in a very unhealthy place before I found fitness and I wanted to feel good. I remember my initial goal just being to be happy in a bikini. On a beach. Not the stage! Just like, wear freaking shorts without wanting to cry. But as the years went on my focus changed from myself, to how others viewed me. 

I was so focused on the judges that said for me to come in smaller that I stopped doing what I wanted to in the gym. 

Come in smaller? How? I just dieted for 8 months straight no breaks?! 

How can I shave down my hips? Is there a surgery I can have? Do I need bigger boobs? What about my hair, what would the judges like? How do I make my face prettier? Marketability is 60% so, how can I make myself more marketable? IS THERE AN APP FOR THIS? 

It’s silly I know but it was my reality and I think a lot of competitors can relate. 

It really hit me only in 2015 that I was exhausted and started to resent the fitness industry.  Every time I scrolled past a waist trainer or slim tea ad promising weight loss made me want to throw my phone across the room. What? What the..?

For a solid year I felt that way. I couldn’t put my finger on why I was so resentful. Was I jealous? Why aren’t I “myself” anymore?

So many people were telling me I’ve changed. Well, yeah. That’s basically what’s happened. 

Then I met some friends who I now call family and they were in the same mind set as me. They’re fit, they’re active, they gym every day, we eat healthy when we go out, but it’s not all we do. It’s not ALL we talk about. It’s been a while and I’ve been loving my training again, but I’m now ready to forgive you, fitness. 

Fitness, will you take me back? Can we date again, but can we go slow this time?

I accept it for what it is and what it’s become but I’m going to do things my way, fitness.  Do I like the Adobe IG models and the waist trainers/corsets, booty implants and stuff? No. But I accept it. I don’t hate it anymore. It is what it is, and I’m just going to pave my own way doing what I want with people who accept me for who I am and not what I look like or how I think judges want to see me. 

Got some shoots booked for August, new goals with a new mindset. Well, not new mindset, but my old mindset again. Getting super healthy again for me and me only.  Plus I’ve got a wedding dress to rock 👰🏼 

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